I'm fortunate to get to go to school with some amazing educators. I'm even more fortunate to be able to have the chance to read "Dare to Lead" by Brene Brown with some of them to start the school year. We started with a face to face meeting to share our thoughts about the introduction which we read before we met. I was interested to hear what others had to say about why they had chosen to read the book and what they hoped to get out of our learning. We have been reading a section a week and either reflecting on quotes that resonate with us or using the Read Along Workbook for writing down our ideas. As we read section 4, "Shame and Empathy", I realized that sharing our thoughts with one another might be a bit personal so, because our teachers are professional, I wanted them to be honest with themselves without having to share with everyone else. I, on the other hand, thought that it was important to share my thoughts with the group, and with those of you who have gotten this far, so here they are.
I think that I chose to publish my thoughts because of two incidents that impacted me over the last two weeks. One is the death of a former student and the other is the death of my 7th grade PE teacher. To protect their privacy, and the privacy of their families, I am not including their names.
I am a father and I could never imagine having to deal with the death of my daughter. Being there for our staff during this difficult time was not easy. I kept saying things like "I can't even imagine" and "I wonder how the family can handle this". Neither of these shows any signs of empathy. As the week progressed, I didn't speak much of the situation, but I did think about it quite often. On the day of the funeral, I remember arriving at the church. I was amazed, but not surprised, by the number of staff and students in attendance. There were hugs and tears and looks of disbelief and sorrow. But we were there for each other, and we were there for the family. One of us suggested that we give the family a "Merton hug" so we did. It was as meaningful and important for us as it was for the family. None of us has gone through what the family is going through but we were there to share our concern for them, our condolences, and a reminder that we are there for them whenever they need us. Is this showing empathy or sympathy? I'm not sure but I know that we are all there for the family.
My 7th grade PE teacher is the reason I have the friends I have today. I moved to Wisconsin from Kentucky in the middle of my 7th grade school year in 1977. My PE teacher noticed me on the first day of class and asked me if I played basketball. I said, "yes sir" and he pointed at a group of boys in the corner of the gym. "Those are the guys you need to get to know," he said. Many of them are still my friends 42 years later. In the visitation line, I told his wife, his two sons, and his daughter the same thing. "I have friends because of your husband/father." I apologized for not telling him myself. I also told them all that I tell the story of my PE teacher to the students at our first assembly of the year, and I've been doing that for 13 years. I then went on to tell the family that I know that this is a difficult time, shared my condolences, and moved along letting them know that they could call on me for anything they needed. I am lucky that my father is still alive so I don't really know what the family is going through. Is this showing empathy or sympathy? Again, I'm not sure but I know that I shared a memory of how important he was, and is, to me.
I know this. I still need to work more on being empathic than sympathetic. I don't have the same experiences as everyone that I come in contact with, but I can be there for them by listening, being there for them, and validating that what they are going through is not so good, but I'm there for them. I know that I can't fix everything, but I can give my undivided attention and concern to them for as long as they need me.
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